Why is it that whenever I take a step forward, it seems inevitable that I take couple of steps back? It has happened to me quite a lot lately and most of the time, it gets me really down.
New Zealand was my fresh start. I remember how I felt just eight months ago. I was so excited, so full of life. Life was full of opportunities. The possibilities are endless. Just three days after I moved here, I turned eighteen. Wow, legal age. That meant a lot to me. I thought, what a way to start my new life!
There I was, a just turned legal girl. I was the new girl in town. Everything was all so exciting for me.
How naive was I to think that things would change now that I'm here? Yes, life did get a little bit better. But whenever I thought that things were going to be okay, something major happens. It came to a point where I didn't want to be happy anymore because really, what's the point? A day or so of happiness and a month of misery? No thanks.
But the optimist in me won over and soon, I was enjoying life again. I got a job and thought, "Hey things are settling down now. I have a good feeling about this:. I had it all planned. My life was finally heading towards the direction I want it to go. I was going to work the whole year. I could save up for a car, for things I would need in my studies like a decent laptop. I could save money. I could help out with the expenses at home.
The Plan was clear. Since the Fashion Design course I was going to take was full for the whole year, I decided to apply for next year. I was already going to build my portfolio up. I was so excited! Finally. Things were okay. I was heading somewhere. I would get to study my dream course AND afford to live comfortably while doing so too!
I guess it's true when they say that good things must come to an end.
My work seems unstable at the moment, and to add insult to the injury, Studylink changed their policy. I am no longer eligible for a student loan next year. That means I have to study in B Semester if I wanted to study. Fashion Design was closed for the year so I decided to take my next option. Screen and Media Studies. I hurriedly processed my applications. I was staying positive.
Tuesday, I received the sad news. My chosen University didn't have slots for me this year anymore. I wanted to go to that Uni because I've heard so much about their program and it seemed so fun. Even my dad used to teach in that department at the same Uni.
I've been down since then, and I've been working on my other applications. I went and talked to a Studylink officer today and fought the urge to cry right then and there. I managed to be civil, to ask questions, to remain calm even though inside I was seething.
I feel hopeless. As though I've failed.
I can't help but think how unfair life is. I don't want to really tell anyone how I feel because 1.) Most of them are so busy with exams. 2.) I feel so negative. and 3.) The people I've been opening up to lately can be counted in one hand.
By the time I go to a University, I would be 21. I feel so hopeless and lifeless. It's a feeling I know I should be used to by now, but somehow I just can't get used to it.
Maybe it would all just be easier if I would just be pessimistic most of the time.
Yesterday and today were both really trying. I was okay when I was with others. I could act normal, I could laugh like hard out with their jokes. I seemed fine. Not when I'm alone, though. I was texting with a friend of mine late last night and I was telling him how frustrated I was feeling. I know how busy he is and how tired and drained he must be so I didn't bitch about how I was feeling anymore.
Something he said made sense though. He said it in Tagalog, and it goes something like "Things like that make us stronger."
He was right. I guess I love how it seems as though he knows me so well.
Another friend of mine told me to keep fighting while we were in her car. I was telling her about everything, and I was fighting back the urge to cry again. She's one of the very few who knows about how I've been struggling the past few months and she always has the right thing to say.
"Labanan mo, Jess." (Translation: Fight it, Jess)
One of my best friends also came with me to Uni and he seemed as disappointed as I was (Though he was the one who was more expressive. I just went all silent and tried to smile).
With friends like these, it's almost impossible not to be inspired and motivated.
I'm going to keep fighting. I'm going to keep praying.
I talked to God today. I was asking him what was the point of all this. What his purpose was for me. I asked him if he didn't want to see me happy. I asked him if he was mad at me. It was different today, though. I wasn't mad at him anymore. I wasn't blaming him. Instead, I prayed and asked for strength and guidance.
I don't know what your plan for me is, God, but I'm trusting that all the hardships and struggles happening to me at the moment would bring me closer to You and Your plan.
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? "
- Evan Almighty
I asked for Faith. And maybe this is exactly what it is: A test of faith. An opportunity to have faith.
I'm hurting. I feel broken. And I need Faith. It's easier for me to just give up now and sulk and be depressed, but I'm going to keep fighting. I'm not going to stop believing.
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