This is for you.

I guess I just really express everything better in words. Last night, I wrote a long as entry for you, but I'm not putting it out in the open. It's embarrassing how I poured my heart in there.

Let's just say that I ended up liking you more than I should have. I was happy again. I listened to love songs again. I was dreaming again. I'm still falling. Hard. But I'm not expecting you to catch me because I know you won't anyway.

I like you for the person that you are. I like how I'm getting to know you better and I like discovering different sides of you. I like how our hugs our no longer awkward. I like the little things. The quirks that makes you the person that I'm getting to know.

Don't think I haven't noticed, but I actually pay attention to the littlest details. I like how you're always helpful. I like how you ALWAYS help with the clean up after events. I never fail to see you picking up trash or stacking chairs or pushing tables or whatever. I like how you're always looking out for everyone. You're one of few that's really genuinely nice.

I like how people think you're this quiet and serious person, but I feel as though you're showing me another side of you. I like how I can talk to you about anything. As you can see, I like you for who you are. I know you've got bad traits, too but everything's just so easy with you. No pressure at all. But I guess that's because we're friends. Good friends.

And maybe that's all we'll ever be. I know you're off-limits. You have her, after all. Everyone can see how committed you are to her. How much you love her. People have warned me against you, especially those who has seen me get hurt before. They told me to guard my heart. And I wanted to. I just wanted to be friends with you, to get to know you some more.

Somehow it ended up with you making me smile and feel giddy, although I know that wasn't your intention. My cousin once told me that I always get hurt because I mistake friendliness for flirting. I guess that's the same case with you.

You don't have any feelings for me. I know that, and I respect your commitment and love for her. I like our friendship. I like what we have. And promise, I'm going to move past this and accept that friendship is the only thing you can offer. It hurts, I'm not going to lie about that. But I'm going to move on. Cliche as it sounds, I just want you happy. And I know she makes you happy.

I don't want to ruin what we have so I won't make a big deal out of this.

My friend Jannel and I had a heart to heart talk the other day, and we agreed to heartbreak proof our hearts. Unless it came from the guy himself, never assume that he likes you. It is, unfortunately, a lesson I learned the hard way and it's a mistake I never seem to learn from. My cousin would always tell me, if he likes you, he'll ask you out. Simple as that. I guess its just us women who make things complicated. Stop assuming. Stop giving meaning to every little thing he does. It doesn't work that way. Save yourself from all the agony.

Hanggat hindi sakanya mismo nanggagaling, wag kang mag assume.

I'm taking this to heart now. Actually, whenever I feel as though I'm starting to fall for someone, I mentally talk to myself. (Take note: Mentally. Meaning, I don't talk to myself out loud. LOL)

"Tama na, Jess. Wala namang gusto yan sayo e. Wag ka na mangarap. Kelan ba naman may nagkagusto sayo diba? Kelan ba naman may nagmahal? Never pa naman nagyayari diba? Wag ka ng umasa. Masasaktan ka lang."

Harsh, but true. Kelan ba ako naging special enough for anyone? (Hello 18 year Single Status). When I start to daydream about crazy things, I mentally curse myself and repeat the thought. I know positive thinkers out there would hate me for this, but I guess when you think negatively, you stop expecting. You stop believing. You stop dreaming. How's that for a reality check?

So anyway, back to you.

Hello, you. I think you know who you are? Hehe.

I believe in the saying na kung tayo talaga, tayo pa rin sa huli kahit ano pang mangyari. We don't know what the future holds for us. So for now, I'm going to stop myself from falling for you (I don't know how that's possible, but I can do thissss!). My dull boring world was fine without you. Surely I can go back to that. Come to think of it, I've always been the one who did the "approaching". I don't want to text you first anymore. I don't want to tell you that I miss you because I know you don't even think of me.

I know you probably won't even get to read this but I'll tell you anyway. Ikaw, I wish you happiness. Honestly you deserve it. You're such an amazing, amazing person and I hope that she sees that. Sana alam niya kung gaano siya kaswerte to have you.

I'm going to go back to the way things were before you shed some light in my life (Naks, may ganun?). I'm Jess. I'm resilient. Ilang beses ko na ba 'tong naranasan?

I guess I have so much more to say to you but I don't want to say it anymore. Instead, I'll just leave you with some song lyrics. Yay!

When We Say by Aj Rafael

Somethin' bout the way
Somethin' bout the way you look in my eyes
You make everything so damn easy
So easy that I don't got to worry about a thing

And baby when we touch
All I can see is the image of us
Sittin' by the ocean, just before the dusk
Sippin' on a juicebox, with sand between our toes

And this is the part when we say we're in love
And the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie, I know you can't come with me
You got your life, (s)he better be treatin' you right

Just tell me you don't love me
Tell me you don't feel the same way that I do
Tell me I don't make you smile like I do when you walk in the room
You're so... so hard to let go... Oh...

And this is the part when we say we're in love
And the part where we say it's forever
But this ain't a fantasy, I know you can't come with me
You got your life, (s)he better be treatin' you right

This hurts so much
To know that you're with someone else when you should be with me
It's just hard to accept that I can't be around
(S)He better be treatin' you good
I'm no Einstein but I know a sign when I see one
And I know you love me too
And I know you love me too...

And this is the part when we say we're in love
And the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie, I know you can't come with me
You got your life, (s)he better be treatin' you good... so good...
You got your life, (s)he better be treatin' you...
Treatin' you... treatin' you right...

Treatin' you right...



Thank you blog for keeping me sane and for letting me write whatever the hell I want. I don't know what I'll do without you <3